Big Brothers Big Sisters of the Bay Area: Your Child's Personal Safety Training

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Your Child's Personal Safety
 
 
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Big Brothers Big Sisters' Number One Priority is the safety and well-being of your child. That's why we've created this program especially for parents as they enroll their child in a local Big Brothers Big Sisters program. It's important to remember that while sexual abuse is a difficult subject to talk about, the good news is that there are things you can do to help reduce the chances of it happening.
 
 
This video talks about what is covered in this training. After watching the video, click the button below to continue the training.
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As you heard in the video, these are the topics we’ll be reviewing and hope that by the end of this session, you’ll have a good idea of how these factors improve child safety. 
 
 
We’re going to start by exploring and defining personal boundaries. There are different types of boundaries, and this next video will talk about those differences, as well as the importance of personal boundaries for children and teens.
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Now let’s spend some time on a short activity to help us discuss the different types of boundaries and what boundary violations might look like. Before we begin, let’s review the definitions we heard in the video. A boundary is something that marks or separates one person’s or group’s space from another.
 
 
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Personal Boundaries are rules that people use to let others know what kind of things are OK and not OK to say or do to them, with them, or around them. Your personal boundaries help you decide things like how and when it’s OK for people to touch you, how close they get to you, or how they speak to you. When we have clear personal boundary rules and use them every time, we are more likely to feel safe.
 
 
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Personal Boundary violations happen when someone goes against a person’s rules about how they want to be treated. They can be physical, verbal, or sexual.
Physical violations involve unwanted touch.
Verbal violations happen when someone says something that you think is wrong or inappropriate.
Sexual boundary violations involve unwanted sexual touch or statements.
 
 
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Now we’ll focus a bit more on the issue of child sexual abuse. First, we’ll define what child sexual abuse is so we’re all on the same page. Child sexual abuse is any sexual behavior that children do not fully understand, are not able to give consent to, or do not give consent to.
It’s important to know that child sexual abuse can happen even when no physical touching takes place. In this section, we will learn the difference between “hands on” and “hands off” abuse.
 
 
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We use the word consent a lot when defining child sexual abuse, and that’s another term that could use a clear definition before we move on. We use the definition of consent from Safe and Secure Kids, which says “consent means giving someone a choice about touch or actions and respecting their answer.” With children, you may often use the phrase, “asking for permission.” 
Now let’s take a look at the next video, that explains these concepts a bit more.  
 
 
As you can see, there are a wide range of actions that can fall under the category of child sexual abuse. Next, we’ll listen to a few examples to show what some of these situations could look like in real life.
 
 
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While many of us may have grown up thinking that most children are abused by strangers, research tells us that 90% of victims of child sexual abuse know the person that abused them. As you can imagine, this can also be a reason why children are hesitant to tell about their abuse.
 
 
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It can be difficult to imagine children ever being in situations where these kinds of things could happen to them, and you may be wondering how abuse happens in the first place. We’re going to discuss grooming now, as this is an important process that will help you understand the dynamics of sexual abuse. Children of all ages may be sexually abused, and the most common way abusers control their victims is through grooming. This next video will help us start to understand the grooming process and how to spot it.
 
 
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As we heard, the grooming process involves multiple steps and involves gaining the trust of more people than just the child. As parents and caregivers, it’s important to have a good sense of what grooming could look like in action. Let’s review some of the steps.
  • The first step is to pick a victim, often a child or teen who is different. 
  • Next, abusers try to gain the trust of the victim and their parent. 
  • The abusers then try to get control over their victim. 
  • Abusers often find a way to make sexual behavior seem normal. 
  • Abusers may then get the child alone through things like babysitting or overnight trips.
  • Next, abusers may use bribes, threats, or force to abuse the victim. 
  • Then, abusers try to keep the child from telling, often through threats and manipulation.
 
 
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We don’t know the exact number of children who have experienced sexual abuse, but experts agree that most children don’t tell anyone. The next video will give us a little more information on why children keep abuse to themselves.
 
 
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As you can see, there are many reasons children might not tell about abuse. Let’s review some of the main ones. 
  • The child often believes that they are to blame for the abuse or that they did something to cause it. 
  • The abuser’s process may be so subtle, that often the child doesn’t know the abuse is inappropriate right away. 
  • The child may not have the knowledge of sexuality to understand that what is happening is abuse. Additionally, even when children know something isn't right with what's happening to them, they may not have the right words, or language to tell an adult in their life. 
  • The child may be asked to keep the abuse secret.
  • The abuser may trick the victim into thinking they are to blame.
  • The abuser may threaten the victim; for example, abused males may be told if they report the abuse, people will think they are gay. 
  • It can be very traumatic for the victim to talk about the event, so they choose to stay silent.
 
 
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When children do tell someone about their sexual abuse, it may be in small bits and over a long period of time. Many children find it hard to tell difficult secrets. They’re often afraid for themselves or others. Children may test adults to see if they can be counted on before telling about the abuse. These tests can include admitting to misbehavior or telling about a tiny part of the abuse to see the adult’s reactions. Children may be testing to see if the adult will still love them and protect them.

Children may also share parts of the abuse in a mixed-up order that makes no sense. Adults can become very confused by these tests and have a hard time understanding that the child is trying to tell them something. When this happens over a long period of time, adults may start to think the child is lying or making things up. As a result, parents may stop listening and the child may decide not to say anything else. They may also take back what they already shared because they are scared or think they will get in trouble.
 
 
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Many children don’t tell anyone about their sexual abuse, but they do show some signs. In this section you will learn what signs to look for. Because many children don’t tell about their abuse, it’s important for adults to know the signs that abuse may be occurring so that you can act early if children are showing these signs. The next video will go into more detail about signs children and youth may show if they are being abused.

 
 
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Let’s review some key points from this video. Children who have been sexually abused may… 
  • Have sudden behavior changes
  • Act afraid
  • Have trouble sleeping
  • Be sad or cry often
  • Start acting younger than their age
  • Not want to play as much as they used to
  • Have problems at school
  • Start talking about an older friend
  • Be angry, disrespectful, or aggressive
  • Not want to be left alone
  • Start lying or keeping secrets
  • Get unexplained gifts or privileges.
 
 
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Teens who have been sexually abused may…
  • Skip school
  • Have problems with their teachers
  • Start getting bad grades
  • Have anxiety or depression
  • Cut themselves or show self-harm behaviors
  • Start having poor hygiene.
As a reminder, these are just some signs of abuse, and these kinds of behavioral changes may be due to other problems, such as experiencing increased stress or anxiety. As a parent, you know your child best. If something doesn’t seem right, talk to your child.
 
 
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When parents learn about child abuse, it can be devastating and can bring up a lot of different emotions and reactions. Some reactions from parents have been shown to be very helpful for youth, and others are less so. In this section you will learn about healthy ways to respond. This next video will talk about the types of reactions that might come up and how to best respond, should you learn that your child has been abused.
 
 
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The video mentioned that there are some beliefs that families may have that can actually get in the way of protecting children from abuse, while other beliefs are more protective.
  • Protects
    • Children need to be protected by adults.
    • Children are our future and are highly valued.
    • We should do all we can to keep children from harm.
  • Gets in the Way
    • Children are the property of adults.
    • Abuse Brings Shame to the Family.
    • Important family or community members are never wrong.
    • Adults have a right to do what they want with a child.
It can be hard to challenge beliefs that you may have held your whole life, but this activity hopefully helps us all to think about the messages we’ve received about children and youth and how we can modify these messages to best help to keep kids safe. 
 
 
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You now have a good understanding of what child sexual abuse is and how it affects children and families. In this section, you will learn ways you can lower the risk to your child. At Big Brothers Big Sisters, we believe that child sexual abuse is a preventable risk. This next video will talk about strategies parents can use to lower the risk that abuse will occur. 
 
 
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Talking to children about personal boundaries and safety is an important prevention strategy. Let's look at some messages and you can say if you think those are messages that parents should share with their children, or if it’s a message that you should not share.  

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It might seem surprising that we’re telling you to not tell your child to listen to other adults as if they were their parent. Most of us grew up being told to respect elders, not talk back, and listen to all adults equally. This messaging can be confusing for children and youth who may then feel as though they aren’t able to set their own personal boundaries with other adults. A more helpful message might be, “You’re expected to follow the rules when you’re with your Big, but if you ever feel uncomfortable, let them know. If you don’t feel better, find a way to call me or find another adult.” Letting children know that there may be times when they say “no” to an adult, and that it is okay, is an important message. This may need to be addressed many times using different scenarios to help children understand.
 
 
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Big Brothers Big Sisters works with parents to reduce the risk of children becoming victims of abuse. We mentioned previously that you are our partners in helping to keep kids safe. Don’t let anyone tell you NOT to report suspected abuse to the authorities. If you’re not sure, report and let the authorities investigate. This next, and final, video will explain some of the practices Big Brothers Big Sisters has in place, known as our Youth Protection System.
 
 
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As you can see, multiple layers of protection are in place throughout the life of a match to maximize the safety of youth in our program. Let’s review the key practices of our Youth Protection System.
  • The first is the screening process. Before Bigs can be allowed into the program, they must undergo extensive interviewing, a thorough criminal history record check, and submit multiple references. In programs where a Big may transport a child, we also check their driving record.
  • Another key strategy we use to help keep children safe is through regular communication with a trained, professional Match Support Specialist. Your Match Support Specialist will regularly check in with you, your child, and their Big to provide ongoing support, answer questions, address concerns, and work with you to lead to the best outcomes possible for your child. It’s extremely important that you have regular communication with your Match Support Specialist. We encourage you to call your Match Support Specialist any time you have a question or concern about your child’s match, as well as if you have any safety concerns that come up outside of the match relationship.
  • The next important component of the safety system is reporting. Any time you have a concern about your child’s safety or well-being, we want you to share those concerns with your Match Support Specialist– whether it concerns your child’s Big or some other aspect of your child’s life. Our staff are here to help support you and your child first and foremost. If you know of or suspect child abuse of any kind, please know that our staff are mandated reporters and are required to report to child protection or law enforcement authorities. Known or suspected abuse will be immediately reported to child protection authorities by Big Brothers Big Sisters staff. We strongly encourage you to report any suspected abuse immediately as well. Don’t let anyone tell you NOT to report suspected abuse to the authorities. If you’re not sure, report and let the authorities investigate. If you suspect or know of any abuse by your child’s Big, call the police or child protection authorities first. Then, tell Big Brothers Big Sisters staff so they can immediately address the situation. When we all work together, we can help keep children safer, both within and outside of the match relationship.
  • The last layer is clear rules and training. All Bigs, parents and guardians, Littles, and Big Brothers Big Sisters staff receive training on child safety and youth protection. Each local agency also has policies surrounding aspects of the match relationship. If you discover that Big Brothers Big Sisters’ rules have been broken, it’s important that you report those violations to our Match Support Team.
 
 
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We went over a lot of information today, and you will hear more about policies and procedures throughout the enrollment process and while your child is actively participating in Big Brothers Big Sisters programs. We know that this is not an easy subject to discuss. We encourage you to reach out with anything that comes up for you and your family.
 
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